You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Her eyes filled with admiration for his statuesque physique, she shakes her head yes. As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here, iron this." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A man rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiled at her and she struck up a conversation.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. He broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeded her into the apartment, and after she closed the door, she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrred at him, "I saw you looking. What would you say is my best feature?"

He cleared his throat several times, looked her up and down and finally managed to squeak out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She was astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt -- it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, he stammered, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -- THAT WAS ME !!!!! ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

One morning, a golfer approached the first tee only to find another golfer approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play the 18 holes together. After teeing off, they started off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first golfer asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second golfer. The hitman noticed that the other golfer started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the golfer where he lived.

Still nervous the golfer replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked, "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the golfer asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife ... a blond?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there," said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!" The hitman agreed, turned, and took a firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad. Then this month ??" continued, the friend…

"Nothing!!!!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE. My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna get sloppy drunk and make fun of you and your friends. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK", truck drivers are not nerds and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect) "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a looong line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said, "OK", and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

What is the speed of dark? When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? What's another word for synonym? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? How can there be self-help groups? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Where are Preparations A through G? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? What happened to the first 6 "ups"? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Why does your nose run, and your feet smell? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Hermits have no peer pressure. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories... There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? What a nice night for an evening. When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. I live on a one-way dead-end street. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far." I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

This man was walking along the beach in Southern California and discovered what appeared to be a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and sure enough, out came this Genie. The Genie was so excited to be out of the lamp that he gave the man the customary three wishes. The man thought for a few seconds then said to the Genie, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to. You see I am afraid to fly and I get seasick in the bathtub. I would like you to construct a highway to Hawaii so I can drive there."

The Genie scratched his head, did some quick calculations, then sadly said, "I hate to tell you this but your wish might be too much for me to give. You see, it would take a tremendous amount of time to lobby the Department of Transportation, the Department of Federal Highway and Safety Administration. Then, the construction costs would require further tax hikes. On top of all this, we would have to construct fuel stations along the route as well. I have never had to turn down a wish like this and I am somewhat embarrassed to do so, but can you think of another wish instead of this one?"

The man was disappointed to hear this bad news but took it in stride. He thought a few more seconds and then said, "I have been married for 15 years and have really never been able to understand my wife. I wish you could help me understand my wife."

The Genie interupted the man quickly and asked, "Would you like that highway two lane or four lane?" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__ ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, shehappens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots.

As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my dick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him, "Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so."

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on them."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next???"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He exclaimed, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy spats, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in that WATER!!! ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Two guys of limited intellegence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.

After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"

"Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to 'fuck' with the Lone Ranger." ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!' ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!" ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page….;

It said : (95 points) WHICH TIRE ? ……………….. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering some "serious" burns in some strategic areas. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.